Saturday, January 23, 2010

entering a depression

I seriously am feeling depressed.

Monday is coming way too quickly and I cant stand it!

Its not the returning to work aspect of Monday... yes I wish I was returning to a better situation, but hopefully everything will be cleared up in the next few weeks... more on that another day... its the leaving Leah aspect and the fact that life as a working mom terrifies me.

Its the fact that I will probably NEVER again have this much time off to spend, just Leah and I. I honestly dont see being a stay at home mom in my future.. although this is SO HARD, Brian and I have too many goals for our family and I hope to one day make more money than Brian! (I think its the competitiveness in me and that I want to be the breadwinner and tell Brian what he can and cant spend money on!). The next time I am off for this long will be the result of another baby, and that means even less Leah and Mommy time... things will just never be the same.. everything has been so perfect its hard to want to move on with life!

And then there is the challenge that real life is about to bring... I am about to be a working mom... Just the thought of everything on my to-do list starting Monday scares me. I respect my mom so much for being a working mom and always doing such a wonderful job at it, but I remember seeing how exhausted she would be after working all day, making dinner, cleaning the house, and doing everything that me or my siblings asked of her. I just hope I can do it all too!

I know I am hardest on myself and I often put a ridiculous amount of unneeded pressure on myself, but I want to succeed and I want to be good at this! Its not something I can ease into either... I am about to dive head first into it all, try to discover a routine, and just hope things work out...

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