Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I am going crazy

And I may no longer be able to take my exams.... according to Brian atleast.
For some unknown reason, the days leading up to my exam always break me down... I have always said how I cannot handle stress... and my exams seem to be the ultimate source of stress, that make me just come crashing down and make me a flat out crazy person.
Last night, I wrote how I was bummed and was going to go lay in bed... well I actually went and took a shower... then got out and for some unknown reason it just hit me how unbelievably messy our house was... the clothes all over our bedroom, the toys all over the family room, the dishwasher that needed to be unloaded so that all the dirty dishes could be put somewhere, the bottles in the sink, the old mail scattered all over the kitchen table, the dust in the bathroom corners.... it all hit me like a ton of bricks suddenly... to the point that I even felt sick to my stomach. I couldnt look at it a minute longer... I asked Brian to help me clean up... and he did.... but my picking up the toys led to me feeling an overall obsession with cleaning the house.
I organized, I sprayed and wiped down everything.... counters, table, high chair, sink, even the actual washer and dryer and then the trash can.... I mopped, and dusted, and then hit the bathrooms... I mopped some more, scrubbed down the sinks, toilets and showers in both of the upstairs bathrooms...
It was almost ten oclock and my mind was just racing... I felt like I would never be able to go to sleep... I just needed to clean! Some how I went from being tired and lazy to having the energy to do it all... I headed downstairs to conquer the chore that I had passed on over a year ago to Brian.... the kitty litter. I immediately dumped out the litter and started lysoling and scrubbing the actual box. I even put it in the shower to let it soak some... hearing the shower run must have been the straw that broke the camels back... Brian came down stairs to make me stop. He knew at this point, my cleaning was because of something else (there may or may not have been tears involved....)... he made me go upstairs and lay down in bed.... I asked if I could go back and finish the kitty litter because he made me stop midway but he told me I had to stay in bed and that he would finish it... which he did...I will have to check on that tonight!
I still had the burning desire to clean.... but I stayed in bed... I knew that if I got up it would keep Brian up... and we were already up way past our bed time... I am sitting here at work... and instead of working, or studying, I just want to go clean! I cant wait to get home tonight and finish up....
I have no idea what is going on with me.... or why I have this desire to clean.... but whatever it is... I blame it on my mom. She does the same thing.... I remember talking to her plenty of times and her telling me how she didnt sleep the night before because she was up at 3 in the morning doing laundry or cleaning the kitchen.... I talked to her this morning to let her know how I am turning into her.... she thinks she does it because "she feels like her life is out of control and its her way of getting control of life again"... that could be it .... or maybe I am just going crazy....
I need it to be tomorrow and to have my test over so I can atleast calm down a little bit!!!

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